this final week of Lenten really challenges me in the way to offer all my life to God. Awalnya, It's really easy, just about hold the hunger-praying-and put all my will down. tapi semakin hari semakin susah. inget nggak pas Yesus dicobai di padang gurun? bukan pada awal2 puasanya Dia dicobai, malah pada saat hari ke 40, dimana rasa lapar dan haus sudah merajai. Now, I know that is when our body is really tired and our flesh arise.
I'm in pain now, terrible pain.
bukan physically but I'm mentally and physiologically in a war.
Ini berawal dari sakit lama, yang aku kira udah sembuh tapi ternyata udah hampir jadi cancer di hatiku.
Awal saat aku datang di Adelaide, seorang teman yang harusnya menjadi satu satunya penolong, malah menyebabkan sakit luar biasa and hurting me so much! even though she has changes and ask for my forgiveness, and I think I forgave her. Even though she doesn't seems really good to me, I'm trying so hard to pull her from her misery life, give her motivation, introduced her to some of my friends, and gave her hope to finding jobs. and I did pull her up, praise Lord for that. I think that was enough to prove that I sincerely helping her, and forgive her. but God seems doesn't happy with it.
One day, I plan to go holiday with my best friends,sesuatu yang sangat private dan biasanya aku nggak suka orang lain masuk kedalamnya. karena satu kondisi, info ini bocor ke diya (dan sekarang aku bocorin di blog ini) dan she asked me whether she can join or not?
OH MY GOD! It was really burst me out! I'm so angry with my self and with the condition that force me dig out all the bitterness that has been buried down in my heart. damn! seriously, in my human thought, Isn't it enough everything that I gave to her? I almost give everything! without asking any paid, besides somehow she continue to hurt my feelings! and now she wants my precious moment? huh??!!!
That thought suddenly appears in my mind, disturbing me, and killing my day. and there is when I realised that something wrong in my heart, something that God's want to ripped of from my life, so that I can purely serve Him as a servant.
I still hardly to forgive her.
For some of us, we may facing the same situation. my friend said : if you want to serve others, what you need is to Loving, support, and forgive . the last words is the hardest one We may think that we have been forgiving someone, but how can you prove that you are sincerely forgive them after what they have done to you? after all the pains that you got, and ripped your heart, do you really forgave them already?
This is my war. and I'm so blessed that during this time, God doesn't let me alone. He gave me Dion to share and to support me. God doesn't want me to stop to share, If He could stop, He doesn't need to sacrifice His life in the cross, It's enough for Him of being hated by human, people rejected him, and threw stone on Him, but still He needs to sacrifice all his life to prove His love to human. and that's what God's want me to do in different way.
This is ho hard for me, and really hurtfull, trust me, I really want to win this test so that I can prove my love to Jesus, and I really do. this final week will be final of all my pain and bitterness.
This is what Dion sent to me this morning, after I flooded of tears last night:
Ketika kerjamu tidak dihargau,
maka saat itu kau sedang belajar tentang KETULUSAN,
Ketika usahamu dinilai tidak penting,
maka saat itu kau sedang berlajar KEIKHLASAN,
Ketika hatimu terluka sangat dalam,
maka saat itu kau sedang belajar tentang MEMAAFKAN,
Ketika kau harus lelah dan kecewa,
maka saat itu kau sedang belajar tentang KETANGGUHAN,
Ketika kau harus membayar biaya yang sebenarnya tidak perlu kau tanggung,
maka saat itu kau sedang belajar tentang KEMURAHMATIAN,
Tetap sabar, tetap tersenyum, terus belajar,
Karena kau sedang menimba ilmu di universitas KEHIDUPAN,
TUHAN menaruhmu di tempatmu sekarang bukan hanya suatu kebetulan.
Orang yang hebat tidak dihasilkan melalui
kemudahan,kesenangan,dan ketenangan,
mereka dibentuk melalui
kesukaran,tantangan, dan air mata,
Ketika engkau mangalami sesuatu yang sangat berat dan merasa ditinggalkan sendiri dalam hidup ini
Angkatlah tangan dan kepalamu keatas...tataplah masadepanmu, dan ketahuilah
Tuhan sedang mempersiapkanmu untuk menjadi orang yang luar biasa
heart You God, *thanks Dion, do you know that you are the best?? :)
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