Thursday, September 30, 2010

I'm girl, but I was a boy

Even when I'm perfectly change my behavior become more feminine, the truth is still reflect who am I.

yea, I'm girl, but I was a boy

as you know, all the past that I've been through can't lie that I'm a very boyish person and it's critically dangerous because I almost step out the line and become more masculine that you have never imagine.
I'm a younger of 3, and I have 2 brothers. imagine what experience I could experience.
each of every brother has their own way to train me how to be a boy. with military service every day, they ask me to become keeper, to beat them in the basketball game, or follow whatever training that their order, basically all is physical appeal.
when it comes to dressing, I've always exchange clothes with my brother, so there is no way for me to have a girl dresses, and I don't even know how to be pretty.
until there was one day in my elementary school, a girl from neighbor's school confess her love to me.. and that was a shocking moment before I realize that I've made her broken heart.
this is going on until high school.., until one point I've open my eyes and I couldn't pretend like a guy anymore. It could be dangerous for me because If I involve on a fight, I'm not be able to beat them, their power is too strong for me. that is why, I decided to turn my path,follow by nature of being a girl

I've been trying so hard to change my self perfectly. make people think that I'm 100% a girl, not a boy.. with a new environment and friends that benefit me to be able create a new image of my self.
I want them to appreciate what I have, and look at me as someone who deserve to be protected. although sometimes my behavior doesn't seems reflect at all (I'm a strong girl).
Honestly, I'm enjoying that moment, especially when a guy offer me to go date with them in personal, It's kind of relief to know that others can appreciate my existence as a girl.
so, I choose my path, and leave all the hash behavior that had been planted on my self.

Recently, I discover that it's easier to mingle when you pretend like a guy, behave like them, and positioning in the same way as them. they more comfortable to interact with you, to have a physical touch, and to mingle with you
and I think It's easier to make them falling in love with you, or at least.. close to you.
I discover it because my experience of failure close to someone, I used my feminism theory, place my self as someone that maintain her image as a girl, and at the end I got nothing else then broken heart.
So,I try to practice it, become a boyish girl in my new environment... It's work.

Sometimes I feel glad that I could mingle with no border,
Somehow, I feel sad because I sacrifice my effort of building the feminine on me.

I am is who I am...
I know I can still have both of my personality, but yet still being loved
as long as i know the limit and still keep trust that I am a girl, although I was a boy

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