I'm girl, but I was a boy

Even when I'm perfectly change my behavior become more feminine, the truth is still reflect who am I.

yea, I'm girl, but I was a boy

as you know, all the past that I've been through can't lie that I'm a very boyish person and it's critically dangerous because I almost step out the line and become more masculine that you have never imagine.
I'm a younger of 3, and I have 2 brothers. imagine what experience I could experience.
each of every brother has their own way to train me how to be a boy. with military service every day, they ask me to become keeper, to beat them in the basketball game, or follow whatever training that their order, basically all is physical appeal.
when it comes to dressing, I've always exchange clothes with my brother, so there is no way for me to have a girl dresses, and I don't even know how to be pretty.
until there was one day in my elementary school, a girl from neighbor's school confess her love to me.. and that was a shocking moment before I realize that I've made her broken heart.
this is going on until high school.., until one point I've open my eyes and I couldn't pretend like a guy anymore. It could be dangerous for me because If I involve on a fight, I'm not be able to beat them, their power is too strong for me. that is why, I decided to turn my path,follow by nature of being a girl

I've been trying so hard to change my self perfectly. make people think that I'm 100% a girl, not a boy.. with a new environment and friends that benefit me to be able create a new image of my self.
I want them to appreciate what I have, and look at me as someone who deserve to be protected. although sometimes my behavior doesn't seems reflect at all (I'm a strong girl).
Honestly, I'm enjoying that moment, especially when a guy offer me to go date with them in personal, It's kind of relief to know that others can appreciate my existence as a girl.
so, I choose my path, and leave all the hash behavior that had been planted on my self.

Recently, I discover that it's easier to mingle when you pretend like a guy, behave like them, and positioning in the same way as them. they more comfortable to interact with you, to have a physical touch, and to mingle with you
and I think It's easier to make them falling in love with you, or at least.. close to you.
I discover it because my experience of failure close to someone, I used my feminism theory, place my self as someone that maintain her image as a girl, and at the end I got nothing else then broken heart.
So,I try to practice it, become a boyish girl in my new environment... It's work.

Sometimes I feel glad that I could mingle with no border,

But,

Somehow, I feel sad because I sacrifice my effort of building the feminine on me.

I am is who I am...
I know I can still have both of my personality, but yet still being loved
as long as i know the limit and still keep trust that I am a girl, although I was a boy

RIP piku...

I just webcam with her yesterday..
Alice let me to see her last move,
she so weak and couldn't stand by her own anymore..
she looks old, and struggle..
so I told alice to be ready if anything happen...
and the next day, alice found her dead..

RIP piku

Love

Love.., is the word that have a thousand meaning, thousand word can't explain how this feeling going to change your world in a second, or even kill your hope slowly.
But the word 'love' will be very scary when you repeat so many times
when you over said it, and randomly say to other people, in the same time and same tone
it will be lose the meaning, and become rubbish talk.
how people going to understand whether you give the meaning into it or you just simply said?
how people could understand that you serious loving them with all your heart?
how people could know your sincerity?
when the truth being questioned, that is when the real meaning of love is gone
indeed, the easier thing to kill someone is with saying love,
the simple things to betray someone is with gain their trust with saying that you love them so much, and the easier way to backstabbing your friend is with saying so much love and they wouldn't know what is your real feeling to them.

eyes could lie, but your heart never escape from pain when you do it to others.
So, precious the word love, to people that deserve to receive one.

Learning of the day

Do Not ever bring your CRUSH in your trip!!!
or else he will destroy anything..

confession

Indeed, I went to club
and I drank 2 shoots,
and 2 glasses of champagne.
I'm still a Christian.
because, I'm stopping my self, so that I won't be drunk..
because I know my Limit.
And I don't want to abuse my self.

Indeed, I had a lot of fun with my friend!!
*and It didn't make me guilty after all, because I met my church friends over there XD
Yeah, club=socializing!

twlight joke

wuakakakakakaka.....XD

in fact

Write about 20 "In Fact", on your own secrets, habits, things, hope. These have to relate to yourself. Then tag 20 ppls, MUST tag back to who tagged you. I tagged you, which means I wanna to know more about you...

1. In Fact, I love soft doll so much! even I grew up, I still love them. my untie said this is one of my habits that I couldn't change since young

2. In Fact, I'm a faithful person. especially in commitment with group or couple.

3. In Fact, Korean music will be part of my life, that is where I found my personality and taste

4. In Fact, I Love God so muchh!! with all my HEART and the inside out of my SOUL,and I always want to be with Him. my love forever and never change.

5. In Fact, sometimes I feel stupid an uncomfortable when people talking with mandarin or hokkian or cantonese. even I try to pretend alrite, I still don't like.

6. In Fact,I DO LOVE ALL MY FRIEND. and I want them to be happy! because I believe that If people surround me are happy, I will happy to

7. In Fact, I HATE all my pimples and the scar!! I really want to remove it

8. In Fact, I love guy that ignore me and make me debate with him and in the end I must admit that he is right.

9. In Fact, I want to stay in Australia for at least 2 years, If God has bigger plan for me.

10. In Fact, even though I'm an open minded person.I'm still honour virginity.

11.In Fact, I'm in the commitment of being single in at least 2 years :)

12. In Fact, my first birthday wishes every year is not about me, but about the happiness of people surround me.

14. In Fact, I always sleep with my doggie dolls name bobby since 6 years ago, and I don't want to seperate with him ❤

15. In Fact, If I said that I had crush on someone, I really have something for them, It does feel painful somehow although I said no.

16. In Fact, My father passed away since I was 8. If you heard I have papa, that is my uncles

17. In Fact, Orange and Purple are my fav colours.

18. In Fact, I was a basketball captain when I was in secondary school, and stop because I join choir in High school.

19. In Fact, I was fell in love with my girlfriend, once. :P

20. In Fact, I love to do RANDOM things.

joke of the day

Nadia Nicole asking her housemate: what's different between LAMB and BEEF? and she answer with Indonesian language: BEEF is SAPI, LAMB is KAMBING.

Yea, obviously we wont say " BEEF of God, deee".... LOL for me... XD

after so long play Social city

I have 4 lands now, and the first and second land become big city and suburb
after 7 months play :)

My city central


My suburb, with Dutch Villa and France Villa :)

second week of september

been a lot of happening nowdays.

Monday: SFC Graduation
Friday:Mable birthday
International student party
Saturday: Ken n Maria birthday
Sunday: Malaysian Carnival.

Photo soon!

❤

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.
-Myra minoza

schedule

oh... what a pack weekend ...
need my own time plissss....

StYLe~

It's been long time since I have big intention to changes my look.
maybe because I quite satisfy with what I have now, and more concentrate to manage my weight,not too much meal in winter and do exercise everyday, before I need to show off on summer, although I believe I wouldn't do such a body performances after all :P
and yes, Adelaide do changes me.. with all the thought that I needed to be consider.
need to thing about money, adjust with the style constant with the weather, try a lot of new things, and choose something that fit with me.. to create the image that construct my personality, without none missing.

Something that I learnt from the discussion that I had with my besties here was, appearance do determine your personality. you can debate with me about this phrase, but If you believe that people around you are forming your view towards your self, so their respond need to be consider. because they will define how's your look impressed other people around, and in order to make your self comfortable or accepted, you tend to be the way they think.
I don't agree with the last sentence tho, it's actually your own choice. when my friend doesn't like my look without eyeliner, but is not necessarily for me to put it every time I go to central market right?

I am is the way I am.
and I still love Korean style, with every progress that they made. my first and last love, never change!
yesterday, I spent the whole 5 hours to browse about what I missed in Korean music, I'm usually called it "up date" and because this the last chance before my bill come, I still have loads of gigs to spent.
Since Spring is coming-Although Adelaide still cover by dark cloud- I might be able come back with my style, or maybe, advance it :)
how about getting a new hairstyle? but not before I touch down in Malaysia, I choose to come back with Money to fixing my hairstyle. and there is some option that I have in mind:

1. this is if I want to grow my hair more,just change lil bit of middle part and style it.

cim cim hairstyle

2. I know this kind of not up to date, but this Ga-in bob was in my mind since I regretted to cut my hair last time. shorten the fridge and make it line with the side.

3. If I am to depress with summer, I can make my hair shorter with bring the girly look still. like what Lee Hong Ki has.

So, what do you think? :)
I still have a plenty of time to grow my top hair, because I made a lot of layer in my previous hair cut, so, I have my shorter hair and longer hair still. that make a lil bit difficult to match the style above because they have the same length. either make it short, or having an advance haircut.

apparel for spring and summer.. here we go.
still maintain my simple yet boyish style.. I choose to have 2 kind of style that I might be able to have here.

1. A.N.JELL :) , It might be so catchy till every eyes look at me if I wear it back in Malaysia, but it's common here. with combine a plain top t-shirt, with basic colour (black,white,or grey) with emphasis in pants colour, mixing with high top or boots.

2. The new sponsored of brown eyes girl, I love the casual look that they are presented.especially the acid washed jeans :)

and I loveeeee their heelsss!!!! everybody love their jeans! gorgeous person, especially Ga-In, I'm kind of admire her and wants to adopt her look. haha :P

Hopefully all the plans are goes smoothly, and just wait till I need to have summer shopping, choose the right material, with the right model and Good price ..aha! hahah

X.o.X.o

Loneliness

One of my Assignment due last Monday, It's an Opinion piece place where you can express your self with any style that you want to adopt. feeling exited? of course! excited till I couldn't choose which one I wanted to do.. and basically, I just leave it and going do it after weekend, in the other words LAST MINUTE WORK!

But, Amazingly, It's done just in time! you know what... God is awesome :)
and this is the result....

So, I don’t want to be lonely.

Seeking of the right solution that world has offered, with the right base.

“Nobody wants to be lonely” that is what Christina Aguilera and Ricky Martin said in the year of 2001 through their song. Because of their beautiful voices that harmonize one to another and the lyrics that reflect the real situation of most people’s life, this song was famous in that era. But why after 9 years passed, every time we heard about the phrase, it seems really true?

The feeling of loneliness, sometimes come strangely. It will change us dramatically to be another person that we are not supposed to be. It’s drawn us to the deepest feeling that might destroy our senses of human, heaps of feelings appear to hate everyone who letting us to be lonely and wished not be born in the earth.

Actually, that was my thought before I realize that I never be alone.

In the ages of 21, I have a freedom to choose in which group I belong to. I came across many community and friendship, trying so many ways to make them accept me and wish that they could give me the solution and fill my emptiness. But, Several times I had failed to come out from this situation, seeking of the solution to avoid the emptiness that I’ve always feel. I never get the answer until I came into this thought.

So, do you know what loneliness is? Word is never being fully understood before we give the real meaning into it. Loneliness is basically the feeling in which people will experience a strong sense of emptiness. Loneliness came because of the isolation that we feel in our heart. In most of the people, the feeling of isolation came from the experience of missing someone that dearly to us at the past. The feeling of lonely it’s truly come from our soul desire.

When soul realizes that what we are doing in life is not worth it, soul will start to search the real meaning of our life. In this point, the desire of getting to know God is increase because everything in this world centered in our creator which is God. Soul will be able to get you into the deepest meaning of life, by looking for the best direction into it.

In the other words, the only thing that you need is fulfil your inner thirst to God. Whenever you experience the loneliness, although you have a great achievement, a perfect life with great people surround you, but until you successful to fulfil your spiritual needs, you will always feel the loneliness upon you.

Come on, there is nothing to be proud of doing everything alone, right? Even in the first creation, God doesn’t want us to be lonely, that is why he created us in pairs (Genesis 2:18). But life makes us choose our own way whether we want to be alone or couple. And when you have a close relationship with God –because God is a person that you can always come and talk to- you will never know what you get, I can say that is more than you expected. (Matthew 6:33) “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well”

The next thing that you need to do is, to find the right community that can guide you into deep relation with Him. You need to have the right people who can help you find the right vision and mission in of your life, otherwise, it will harder for you to do it alone. You need to have the right community where you can share your feeling with, knowing the way you think, because you have the same belief. and they can guide you to find the real meaning of your life.

Your community will determine how deep you are growing in the spirit, and they also determine who you are. They will guide you and give your more knowledge of what you are supposed to do in life. Because the soul is seeking of the true values in life. The most important thing is, they will give you support unconditionally, with practicing the belief that God has given. With learning how to caring and loving one another, will help you to find out the real meaning of life and give the clear direction into it.

Although loneliness sometimes unavoidable, but knowing that there is a person that will never leave me alone, and always beside me, it’s really relieve me from any odds feeling that will block me to achieve my goals in life. And knowing that there are brothers and sisters in Christ that will always support me unconditionally, and show me the love that God has teach us, really lighten my burden in life. This experience works for me, and it’s not impossible to happen in your life. Just believe in your faith and find the right purpose in your life with God.

Yea... I know, It's kind of inflowing.. but I will try my best to improve.
start to falling in love with writing ❤❤