another good medley

In my stressfull day

Yeah, I'm here... but apparently when I'm writing this blog, I'm not alone

I spent the whole day looking for some resources but I couldn't get it. I'm struggling with Com n Org assignment, 3 k word with 20 references which I haven't get any! and due on this Friday. not only that, I have 1,5 k profile that due in the same day.
Oh Lord save me from this pathetic weeks... "@#?$%@$&*>?"
I'm traveled to every library in the city: City east, City West, even I went to Magill
but they all close because it's Labour day, and I wasted one day without doing any assgment.
at least I'm trying....
yea, it's kind of sucks day, and I was alone traveling to the whole city in almost 3 days in a row.
but somehow, I've kind of enjoyed it.. maybe I need to have some rest and being lonely to giving my self space for better reflection after everything that happened to me these days...
but, even when I'm physically alone, I knew I'm not....
and when I'm traveled, I'm actually meet alot of friends, but just say hi and bye..
I drop by in Jason's house, meet Adrian leong in City east, and meet Adrian Phang in Rundle mall...we end up enjoying our self in Victoria square, like what I did with jony yesterday
I'm thingking again.. I'm not exactly alone. I meeting everybody in different sequence and time, and share them a small place in my life, something that worth to remember :)

Yea I believe in one quotation...

‎"A coincidence is a small miracle in which GOD chooses to remain s0me0ne

yea, and I'm absolutely agree with it ;)
although sometimes I don't believe that it suppose to called as "miracle"
because miracle is something that you need to believed as a gift. when I try to believe on it once, I was drawn in it, and I'm actually falling for someone... you know, loving someone means hurting your self.
I don't want that to happen anymore. and I could see when that I've overcome it when the coincidence happened again to us this afternoon :), I don't feel anything, anymore.
but yea, miracle seems doesn't suit me now, especially for love.

Anyway, I gotta do my assignment...
:)

I'm girl, but I was a boy

Even when I'm perfectly change my behavior become more feminine, the truth is still reflect who am I.

yea, I'm girl, but I was a boy

as you know, all the past that I've been through can't lie that I'm a very boyish person and it's critically dangerous because I almost step out the line and become more masculine that you have never imagine.
I'm a younger of 3, and I have 2 brothers. imagine what experience I could experience.
each of every brother has their own way to train me how to be a boy. with military service every day, they ask me to become keeper, to beat them in the basketball game, or follow whatever training that their order, basically all is physical appeal.
when it comes to dressing, I've always exchange clothes with my brother, so there is no way for me to have a girl dresses, and I don't even know how to be pretty.
until there was one day in my elementary school, a girl from neighbor's school confess her love to me.. and that was a shocking moment before I realize that I've made her broken heart.
this is going on until high school.., until one point I've open my eyes and I couldn't pretend like a guy anymore. It could be dangerous for me because If I involve on a fight, I'm not be able to beat them, their power is too strong for me. that is why, I decided to turn my path,follow by nature of being a girl

I've been trying so hard to change my self perfectly. make people think that I'm 100% a girl, not a boy.. with a new environment and friends that benefit me to be able create a new image of my self.
I want them to appreciate what I have, and look at me as someone who deserve to be protected. although sometimes my behavior doesn't seems reflect at all (I'm a strong girl).
Honestly, I'm enjoying that moment, especially when a guy offer me to go date with them in personal, It's kind of relief to know that others can appreciate my existence as a girl.
so, I choose my path, and leave all the hash behavior that had been planted on my self.

Recently, I discover that it's easier to mingle when you pretend like a guy, behave like them, and positioning in the same way as them. they more comfortable to interact with you, to have a physical touch, and to mingle with you
and I think It's easier to make them falling in love with you, or at least.. close to you.
I discover it because my experience of failure close to someone, I used my feminism theory, place my self as someone that maintain her image as a girl, and at the end I got nothing else then broken heart.
So,I try to practice it, become a boyish girl in my new environment... It's work.

Sometimes I feel glad that I could mingle with no border,

But,

Somehow, I feel sad because I sacrifice my effort of building the feminine on me.

I am is who I am...
I know I can still have both of my personality, but yet still being loved
as long as i know the limit and still keep trust that I am a girl, although I was a boy

RIP piku...

I just webcam with her yesterday..
Alice let me to see her last move,
she so weak and couldn't stand by her own anymore..
she looks old, and struggle..
so I told alice to be ready if anything happen...
and the next day, alice found her dead..

RIP piku

Love

Love.., is the word that have a thousand meaning, thousand word can't explain how this feeling going to change your world in a second, or even kill your hope slowly.
But the word 'love' will be very scary when you repeat so many times
when you over said it, and randomly say to other people, in the same time and same tone
it will be lose the meaning, and become rubbish talk.
how people going to understand whether you give the meaning into it or you just simply said?
how people could understand that you serious loving them with all your heart?
how people could know your sincerity?
when the truth being questioned, that is when the real meaning of love is gone
indeed, the easier thing to kill someone is with saying love,
the simple things to betray someone is with gain their trust with saying that you love them so much, and the easier way to backstabbing your friend is with saying so much love and they wouldn't know what is your real feeling to them.

eyes could lie, but your heart never escape from pain when you do it to others.
So, precious the word love, to people that deserve to receive one.

Learning of the day

Do Not ever bring your CRUSH in your trip!!!
or else he will destroy anything..

confession

Indeed, I went to club
and I drank 2 shoots,
and 2 glasses of champagne.
I'm still a Christian.
because, I'm stopping my self, so that I won't be drunk..
because I know my Limit.
And I don't want to abuse my self.

Indeed, I had a lot of fun with my friend!!
*and It didn't make me guilty after all, because I met my church friends over there XD
Yeah, club=socializing!